The Horror! Oh, the Horror!
by Infinite Rhapsody
Summary: Bella, the Volturi, the wolves, and the Cullens, 15 yrs after Bella's change, read a mysterious book. And that book just happens to be...A MARY SUE FANFIC! Read for Edward's reactions, if nothing else. R&R please. T for language. ON HIATUS.
1. Bella Cullen: Prologue of Doom

**The Horror! Oh, The Horror!**

**Bella, the Volturi, the wolves, and the Cullens (15 yrs after Bella's change) read a mysterious book found in Forks. And the book just happens to be…a MARY SUE FANFIC! Read for Edward's reactions, if nothing else. R&R please!**

**Chapter One**

**Bella Cullen: Prologue of Doom**

It was a Saturday. I was lying on Edward's bed, fiddling with my shoelaces. Everyone but Rosalie and myself had slipped out for a spot of hunting. You know, a deer or two. Your typical quick outing. Rosalie and I had hunted a couple days ago, so we were fine.

Truth to tell, I wasn't so happy to be stuck with only Rosalie for company. Although fifteen years had eroded some of her animosity towards me, she still didn't like me much. She was in her room, trying on some new clothes, as far as I could tell, while I was in Edward's room, at a loss for anything to do.

Then my sleek, silver cell phone rang, singing "Bubbly," the song I had designated, quite fittingly, for my sister Alice. I had the phone up to my ear in less than a heartbeat.

"Alice?"

"Bella!" she cried, her high soprano voice smooth. "Guess what?"

"What?" I asked. Alice was too far away for me to read her mind. That was part of my gift—no mental power, such as Edward's or Jane's, could touch me, but I could absorb it, ready to use whenever I felt like it. I could also shield people from mental gifts. This came in handy when we were interacting with other covens.

"I saw something."

"No, really," I laughed sarcastically, my words too fast—and soft—for a mere human to hear.

"Bella! Just be quiet for a second, okay?" Alice's tone surprised me. She sounded very worried. "The Volturi are coming."

_The Volturi. _The words sent chills down my spine. "Wh—why?" I asked, my usually velvet voice rough and trembling.

"They're just traveling. It's Aro's birthday or something. But they're going to come to our house, Bella."

"Well, I'm changed! I've _been _changed for fifteen years. There's nothing to worry about…nothing…" I finished lamely, trying to convince myself as well as Alice. "Go back to hunting. I know you're thirsty."

Alice sighed. "All right, Bella. Bye."

"Bag an antelope for me."

Alice's tinkling wind chime laugh rang in my ears even after I flipped the phone shut. I got up and walked over to Rose's room, my feet soundless on the white carpet. I knocked.

"Come in," came Rosalie's voice, albeit a bit begrudgingly. "Bella. What do you need?" she asked when I came through the door.

"The Volturi are coming." Rosalie's smug expression froze in place and then melted off her perfect face like ice in summer.

"Just thought I'd let you know," I continued, eager to get out of her room. I slipped out, her shocked face still embedded in my mind.

Just then, the doorbell rang.

"I hope that's not who I think it is," I muttered as I zoomed downstairs. Rosalie was hot on my heels. I flung open the door and saw something I did _not _expect.

The Quileute werewolves.

They were all minutely older and slightly taller, their black eyes wiser, like they'd seen more of the world than they'd really wanted to. They smelled positively disgusting, like human feces. Except ten times worse.

It was all I could do not to wrinkle my nose, but hey, these guys were our friends. At least, Seth, Embry, Quil, Jake and Sam were. The rest…er…let's just say they were absent.

"Um, hi?" At least I didn't have to get into the whole treaty thing. It had been dissolved a while back, due to the friendships that came up between vampire and werewolf, and because we were deemed "not dangerous."

I heard a hiss behind me. Rose's delicate nose was crinkled, her perfect eyebrows raised disdainfully over her ocher eyes, her crimson mouth pursed. "Rose!" I admonished quietly.

"Sorry," she mouthed. She arranged her facial features into a semblance of politeness.

"Hi," Jacob offered tentatively. "Uh…it's nice to see you again."

"Same to you. Come in," I remembered to say, inviting the werewolves in. "The rest of the family will be back soon. They're…they're out hunting."

Rose hissed behind me, "The Volturi!"

"I know," I whispered. "Don't worry." Just as I had ushered the men in, what should happen but the doorbell rang again. I groaned as I answered the door. Big surprise.

It was the Volturi—well, at least two of them. Was the house becoming a gathering place or something?

"Greetings, Bella!" cried Aro in his feathery voice. He was accompanied by Jane, who shot me a furious look. You know, your typical greeting-after-ten-years. "Jane and I were traveling…thought we'd stop by…"

"Of course," I said automatically, waving them in.

"What is that awful smell?" asked Jane sweetly, speaking for the first time. I used Edward's gift to hear what she was thinking.

_Ugh. I can't believe Aro has dragged me here. Carlisle isn't even in by the looks of it. And what the _heck _is that dang _stink?

_It's you, _I thought privately.

"It's werewolf," I answered, turning away just in time to see her gag.

Aro: _Ah, Carlisle. Ever the friend-of-all-the-world._

Jane: _I am seriously starting to think Aro is gay. What is with this obsession over Carlisle? _

I chuckled. Aro looked at me, bewildered, while Jane and I shared the flicker of a smile.

"Right in here," I said hospitably, ushering them into the family room. Jane stopped momentarily and gagged, but Aro continued on to sit on an ottoman, the stares of the werewolves boring into his back. Jane chose to lean on the wall. And _then _guess who came in?

Oh yeah. My family.

They were probably bewildered at seeing Seth, Embry, Quil, Jacob, Sam, Aro, Jane, Rosalie and I all in the same room, but if they were, they didn't show it.

"CARLISLE!" yelled Aro, jumping up to hug the doctor.

Esme did _not _look happy. She looked extremely jealous.

Carlisle tactfully broke off the hug as soon as he could.

"Hello," mumbled the werewolves and Jane, looking down.

And then guess what compounded my perfect day?

A gigantic, lime green book fell through the ceiling, raising massive clouds of dust. Everyone jumped back, coughing. I picked my way though the wreckage and gazed up through the hole in the ceiling.

Oh no. Oh no! Edward's prized collection of CD's had been pillaged, ruined, scattered, by the green book. I composed myself, trying not to let the horror show on my face, and then looked down at the book.

And what a book! It was covered in bright pink hearts, and read, "_The Smexiest Gurl in Forks, by Smexy Hawt Eddie Luvr._" Whatever _that _meant. I picked up the book.

"Does anybody know what the hell this is?" I inquired, raising the book high for all to see.

"I do," came Jane's droll voice. "It's called a fanfiction. People write about you and Edward"—glower—"or your whole family. Sometimes they introduce whole new charac—I mean people. Occasionally, these people can be totally perfect. They're called Mary Sues."

It was the longest speech I'd ever heard Jane make. "Oh."

"Well, read it already!" said Embry impatiently, flicking back his long, silky black hair.

"Well…if you really want me to…" I sat cross-legged on the floor and opened the book.

_"The Smexiest Gurl in Forks, by Smexy Hawt Eddie Luvr,"_ I read.

_"Chapetr 1: Pwnsome Vampireness_

_"Once upon a time there was a gurl named brianna asteriala who lived in chicago. she was ttly smexy. she had long, wavy, shiny, strawberry blonde hair with gold hilightes, and she had ttly hawt purple and silvert eyes—"_

"You can't have purple and 'silvert' eyes," Edward pointed out. "Or strawberry blonde hair with gold highlights. Although Tanya comes pretty close," he added, jokingly. I kicked him lightly.

"_she was tall and selnder. she lived all by herself cause sge was ttly responeisble and cuz she was an orfun. one tday she was walkinh back from her boryfriend cole's house—"_

"She has a boyfriend? Who would stoop that low?" asked Jane.

"A fellow Mary Sue," suggested Jacob.

"Yeah, a crossdressing one," laughed Emmett, sending everyone into fits of mirth. When the laughter died down, I went on.

"—_when a ttly hwat dude with red eyes came up to her and was like, "prepare to die!" Brianna screamed, but it was too lat.e He had bit her. _

_"aaah help me it heurts!" she yelled. _Well, duh," I supplied.

_"No," he said meanly, adn walked away._

_"and then she was avampire."_

Carlisle interrupted. "One, no vampire would walk away from the human they had just turned like that, and two, no one gets changed that fast. No one."

"It's stupid," muttered Quil.

"Like we didn't know _that _already," chuckled Sam.

_she was evn hawter than she had been whern she was a human. her eyes haad gold in them now. and she was tttly hwat and semxy. _

_then uesing her ttlyy pwnsome vmap skillz she wnet all the way to forks wasing\ton and ended up in a totally lameth forewst. _

_"Well this frickin sux," she said. wht am i supposed to do now?"_

"How about go and kill yourself?" Jasper suggested brightly. We all laughed._"oooooooOOOOOO!! cliffie I bet u guyz can't' wait!!!! Omg!!!!1111 read &Reveiw!! :D:D:D:D:D:D:d."_

I stopped, horrified. What was this crap? "Um…I think that's the end of the chapter."

"That was horrific," supplied Esme.

"It sure was," agreed Aro. He looked dazed.

"On to the next chapter?" Alice suggested brightly.

"You. Have. Got. To. Be. Kidding. Me."


	2. Alice Cullen: The Eyes Are Burning

**The Horror! Oh, the Horror!**

**A/N: Oh. My. Gosh. I forgot the disclaimer last chapter! I am so sorry! I'll do it now. Sorry! :)**

**Disclaimer: I only own Brianna, sadly. Everything else is SM's. **

**Chapter Two**

**Alice Cullen: The Eyes Are Burning**

_Previously on _The Horror! Oh, the Horror!_:_

"_On to the next chapter?" Alice suggested brightly._

"_You. Have. Got. To. Be. Kidding. Me."_

"Of course not." I rolled my eyes. "It's kind of…interesting." Noting the funny looks I was getting from other people, I added, "In a perverted way."

"Fine." Bella seemed resigned. She dropped the book in my arms. "You suggested it. Now you read it."

O-o-o-o-o-oh crap. I had not seen this coming. Stupid werewolves. I opened the lime green book of doom reluctantly. I cleared my throat, took a deep breath, and began.

"_Chapter 2: Smexy Hot Vamp Dudes." _I heard a strangled chuckle from the wolves' corner of the room. I shot them a death glare and continued.

_Brianna trekkied on, fighting eveil stinky wolf dudes as she wen.t Her pwnsome vamp skills totally pwned them (a/n: haha!! humor, see?)."_

"A newborn vampire would _not _be able to 'pwn' a werewolf so easily!" asserted Jacob.

"I don't know. You might run screaming at the freakish sight of her," I pointed out dryly.

Seth, Aro, and Carlisle went off into peals of laughter at this point, Aro only doing so once Carlisle started chuckling. I caught Rose's eye and winked.

"_Anyhoo,finally she came to a big wite house. she knocked on the door because she wass ttly hungry. _

"_a redheded hunk with goulden eyes answered the door. "Hi. who are u?" he asked smexily."_

"Oh no. Oh no. Oh no oh no oh no…" Edward was gripping the edge of his seat tightly. "Please let that not be me…"

"Well, who else could it be?" asked Emmett reasonably.

Jasper, sensing Edward's emotional stress, said hastily, "Um…some other red-haired vegetarian vampire."

"It's _bronze!_" inserted Edward angrily. Bella and I rolled our eyes. While the guys fought it out, I yelled over them,

"_i'm brianna asteriala. are yu edward cullen?"_

"_yes" he breathed hawtly. _

"_you are so cute!!!1!" she said, then blushed Prettily. "Oops, I didn't mean to say that." _

"_it's ok, I luv you 2." _

"_Awwww!" briannna gasped. She kissed eddie-kins passionately. _

"EDDIE-KINS?!" Edward roared.

Bell collapsed in fits of laughter. Emmett joined in. And then Edward, practically sobbing, jumped on Emmett and started pummeling him. Hard. This erupted into a full-scale fight. I screamed over the yells and grunts…

_his full lips responnded to hers, his tongue explring her mouth. he tasted reaally good. he lifted her up and carried her up the stairs. her mouth moldeed to his, and they collapsed on his kinda emoish bed. eddie-munchkins pulled off his shirt, and they…" _I trailed off. What we had here was the dirtiest sex scene I had ever heard of. And I've been through a lot, living with Emmett and Rose. Being a vampire with exceptional hearing and living in a house with two…um…dirty folks, there's not much you miss.

Edward was convulsing on the floor.

"What is it?" asked Bella.

"A…horrible…sex…scene…" I choked. "My eyes are burning! Please don't make me read it. Please!" I begged.

Rosalie grabbed the book from me. She scanned the page. "Oh. My. God. Who could even write this?" she inquired.

"I don't know."

Suddenly, there was a very loud yell from Emmett, a snarl from Edward—or should I say Eddie-Kins?—and then, Emmett's arm flew across the room.  
"Edward!" Esme admonished.

"Sorry, Mom," Edward said repentantly, picking up Emmett's squirming arm and reattaching it to his now-asymmetrical brother.

"No listening to music for a week!" Esme was adamant.

"But, but Mom…" my brother whined.

"Edward Anthony Masen Cullen…" she warned.

"Fine!"

Meanwhile, Emmett had been looking over the disgusting sex scene. "It's not too bad," he asserted.

"Fine then. _You _read it," I told him. He looked a little scared, like he hadn't expected it. Then again, considering the size of his brain, he probably hadn't.

And then Emmett led us all through a horrible, disgusting, perverted sex scene. Near the end…dare I say, near the _climax…_he read a particularly gross item and whistled.

"Whoa, Rose, we've never done _that _one before," he remarked. Rosalie hissed and looked ready to claw her husband's head off. "Is it even possible?"

"No," said Edward and Bella at the same time. "We tried," added Bella in a whisper, who would have been the color of a fire truck had she been human.

"I would hope not," I added. "It doesn't seem very healthy." Instantly, my eyes glazed over and a scene entirely different from the one in the family room. Emmett and Rosalie were in bed, naked. That in itself was gross enough, but to top it all, Emmett was asking Rosalie, "So, Rose, do you want to try that weird move?" The vision misted over and I returned to the family room.

"Emmett! You are SUCH a freaking PERVERT!" I screamed.

"What?" he asked innocently.

"Never mind," I muttered.

Finally, Emmett came to the conclusion of the sex scene. And the chapter, fortunately.

"Okay. _You _read the next chapter," Rosalie commanded.

"But…but…" he protested weakly.

"Read it!" Her eyes gleamed. "Or else."

What could he do?

**A/N: Like it so far? Sorry, it was a bit shorter than last chapter. **

**A big scoop of Edward ice cream with cherries on top to all of my wonderful reviewers. I would also like to thank jacobluv102, UchihaSasuke123, xXxPurplepandaluvrxXx, Beckah-lynn and H3r0 Z3r0 in love for your story/author alerting and favoriting. Thanks a lot!**

**And now for review replies:**

**Amy: Thank you!**

**Beckah-lynn: Thanks. Yeah, I always thought Aro was crushing on Carlisle for some reason. I dunno, I always thought he was gay.**

**H3r0 Z3r0 in love: Sorry I "stole" your username :D Thanks!**

**This is going to be the last update till a week from Monday because I'm off to summer camp :D I'm excited!!**

**Review and you will get a big hug from Emmett and a makeover from Alice :) Come on, you know you want it!**

**Till the 4****th****,**

**Sienna**


	3. Emmett Cullen: Save Me

**The Horror! Oh, the Horror!**

**Disclaimer: All I own is Brianna *sobs* I WISH Edward was mine, but, like the rest of the characters, he belongs to Stephenie Meyer.**

**A/N: I am SO, SO SORRY I have not updated sooner. I had a week-long camp, then I got stomach flu, then I went camping again, and my stomach flu came back. Truly. I'm sorry. I'll go back to at least daily updates now. And…25 hits. 25 hits. And 5 reviews. That's sad, people. Please review! Oh, and there's a bit of a lime in this chappie. Just a warning ;D**

**Chapter Three**

**Emmett Cullen: Save Me…**

_Previously on _The Horror! Oh, the Horror!:

_Finally, Emmett came to the conclusion of the sex scene. And the chapter, fortunately._

"_Okay. You read the next chapter," Rosalie commanded._

"_But…but…" he protested weakly._

"_Read it!" Her eyes gleamed. "Or else."_

_What could he do?_

I swore. What had I gotten myself into? I did _not _want to read a whole _chapter _of a fictional Edward cheating on little Bella. But I knew what Rose meant when she said _or else._ That was a terrible threat. I _had _to read this chapter. I cleared my throat and turned the delicate page carefully.

"_Chapter 3: Evil Dudes from Vloterra."_

"VLOTERRA?!" exploded Jane. "It's _Volterra, _you dunderheaded retard!"

"Hey!" I protested.

"Not you! The author!"

"Oh. Okay." Leaving Jane to stew in silence, I continued, "_After Eddie-kins and Brianna did it, they went donwstiars. Downstairrs was bella, his crappy girlfriend. she was soooooooooooooooooooooooooo ugly. she had nasty brown hair. she had freaky ellow eye.s She was soooooooooooooooooooooooo ugly,but Brianna was sooooooooooooo beyootiful. Edward couldnt believe he had axshally done this frieky promisucous prude?_"

"'Promisucous prude? I think she means _promiscuous _prude, and even then, that makes no sense. Or should I say, _no-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o _sense?" Bella asked stiffly. She'd always been insecure about her looks. Edward hugged her, his left eye twitching.

"Anyway. _Miss Prude asked,_

"'_Hey Edward, do you want to go have sex upstairs?'_

_"'Ediie-munchkins was such a genteman, he didnt wannt to say no. he said, 'not right now bela, i am busy. I would like you to meet Brianna asteleriana?'_

_"'hello' said the beotch._"

Oh boy. Was I going to get it from Edward, or what?

_"'Hi.' said Brianna. 'I need some new clotes, can someone he;lp me!'"_

_"'i will,' said a freakishly short black-haired gurl with a ttly bad hairstlye. she was wearing nasty cothes from abercrmbie and limited 2._

_"'Ewwwww ok but can I havee some nice clothes plz?' asked Brianna. 'i only wear chanel. gawd.'"_

_"'Well frick you! said the dwarf._

_"'Go to hell and buy some better clothes, there' said brianna._

"That was a pretty good comeback," remarked Alice. She seemed unfazed, but behind her, Jasper was gripping the back of the couch, ready to tear it apart.

"I bet she stole it," muttered Bella.

_"'Brianna, honey, be nice,' whispered Delicious eddie. He rubbed her back. Bella looked reely angry."_

_"'You frak you are taking my husband!' she yelled. her voice was hoarse and nasty."_

Bella growled. Her fists were clenched.

_"'So wat beoth? you're the whore here. go away'_

_"'nooooo!' screamed bella. brianna stared at her. Brianna's eyes were gold and accented by her blue eyeshadow. She looked amazing!!1_

_"Brianna kept staring at her. bella walked backwards to the couch and sat down. 'Yayz I found my gift Eddie-kins!' Brianna squealed, she was soooo excited. 'I can make ppl do stuff!'_

_"'Your beauty could make them do it all bey itself," he whispered hawtly. leaving bella on the couch, he collapsed onto the floor, kissing her down her neck, then unbuttoning her he took of..._I CAN'T DO IT ANYMORE!" I screamed, dropping the book on my toe. As I hopped up and down, I yelled, "Don't make me do it Rose I love you Edward I'm sorry why was I ever born God help me I hate this book someone please make it stop!"

I stopped and blinked. The gathering had their fingers stuffed into their ears and their eyes screwed shut. Well, all except for Edward. He was on the floor in the fetal position, sucking his thumb.

"Edward! Dude! Take it like a man!" I urged him, forgetting for the moment that I'd just jumped around screaming my head off. I shook his shoulder. "Edward! Come on!"

"NO-O-O-O-O-O!" He squealed suddenly. "No God help me I don't wanna have sex with this whore I don't wanna I don't wanna this is just a bad dream someone Bella tell Charlie to arrest the author Bella I'm sorry I love you I love you I hate that freak Bella take me back beautiful lovely sweet smart amazing woman you are the one for me why do you think I married you Bella don't leave me I'll never forgive myself please take me back!"

Wow. Punctuation-less City.

Bella, having taken her fingers out of her ears, leaped on Edward, bowled him over, and started kissing him passionately on the mouth. It would have evolved to more, but…

"Edward! Bella! Can you do this in a more private place, please?" begged Esme. They were too wrapped up in each other to hear.

"CAN YOU GUYS PLEASE STOP IT?! I'M GOING TO EXPLODE!" yelled Jasper. His face would have been red had he been human. As it was, it was scrunched up in pain.

_This _they heard. Well, that _might_ have been what made them stop. It might also have been the waves of hate Jasper was—inadvertently—sending out.

"Awkward," I muttered.

"Okay," said Bella. Her hair was slightly disheveled and her eyes were wild. "Keep reading, Emmett."

"What? No!"

"Emmett," Rosalie warned. God, she was beautiful when she was angry. Her long blond hair was so golden and wavy, and her eyes, God, her eyes…

"Emmett! Shut up!" cried Edward. Bella held him close and extended her mind-shield around me, so Edward didn't have to hear my risqué thoughts. "Aaah. Thanks, Bella."

"No problem, Eddie-munchkins…" Bella smiled brightly. Edward groaned.

"Get on with it, Em."

"Fine!" I yelled, annoyed. He was _so _going to get it after this. I finished the sex scene, then read, "_Suddenly the door banged open. Freaky dudes in cloaks came in."_

"God dang it! DANG YOU AUTHOR! DANG YOU!" yelled Jane. She was throwing her pain attack everywhere. Bella hurriedly shielded everyone.

"Calm down, Jane, it's just a story," murmured Aro. "Right, Carlisle?"

"Uh-huh," my father muttered.

"This is stupid," whispered Seth to Jacob.

"No kidding, man…" Jacob shook his head.

"_Any_way," I said over the whispers and murmurs, "_They had like ttly no fashion senese. Then one of them said 'die brianna1' and sent a weird thing of pain ast her but brianna was so pwnsome she deflected it and killed that person.'"_

Jane smashed a window.

"Jane!" rebuked Esme.

Jane's response was to growl.

_"'Another gift!' exclaimedd Eddie-baby. 'Wow brianna you're amazing!'_

_"'We always knew that' said Brianna modestly."_

"Modestly? Um…how about not?" laughed Quil.

_"Brianna killed all the creepy dudes in cloaks with Edward. She was pwnsomeful. She was wearing an MCR t-shirt, white foundation, blue mascara, blue fisnets, high heels a ripped pink mini theat was ttly pretty & a diamond nneecklace. Her hair was up in a neat bun with lots of hair falling out. it was all curly and had brown higlights no one noticed before. her eyes were gold and purple and silver. she was sooooooo beyutiful. she killed every one. then a big dog came in and said, 'hey hottie!'_

_"And that's the end of the !! XD frick all u flamerz. u are such prepz go away. Heartz 2 mah bffs, Smexy Hawt Eddie Luvr."_

Edward was rolling on the floor, laughing at the dog comment, while the mutts looked on unhappily.

"Fine, Edward. You laugh?" I said, deliberately misinterpreting his giggles. "You read the next chapter."

"WHAT?"

And all hell broke loose.

**A/N: All done! Beat two reviews to get a new chapter :D At least **_**try **_**to review when you read this. It makes me feel loved!**

**Beckah-lynn: Thank you. Yeah, I feel sorry for Alice too.**

**H3r0 Z3r0 in love: Thanks. Now that's a good idea :D**


	4. Edward Cullen: I Hate Mary Sues

**The Horror! Oh, the Horror!**

**By Sienna Rhiannon Chase**

**A/N: Holy. Fricking. Cow. 221 HITS?! Wow. I feel loved… -glows- The only thing is…for all my 221 hits, I only got 7 reviews for last chapter -is sad- If you read it, please review, everyone! I have anonymous reviews enabled, by the way. IF I GET A REVIEW FOR EVERY VISITOR, I WILL POST TWICE IN ONE DAY!! I don't care if it's a flame or a nice one or anything in between! JUST REVIEW, please! –smiles- Yes! I shall post two chapters in one day on a day of your choice. Won't that be great? So hit the periwinkle button, peeps! Thanks!**

**Disclaimer: If you seriously think Twilight is mine, go get help. **

**Chapter Four**

**Edward Cullen: I Hate Mary Sues**

_Previously on _The Horror! Oh, the Horror!:

_Edward was rolling on the floor, laughing at the dog comment, while the mutts looked on unhappily. _

_"Fine, Edward. You laugh?" I said, deliberately misinterpreting his giggles. "You read the next chapter."_

_"WHAT?"_

_And all hell broke loose._

I pummeled my brother to an inch of his life, snarling and growling, my face twisted. He was thinking, _Edward, stop, _please! Just then, I looked up. Bella's face was contorted, in fury, sadness or laughter, I couldn't tell. I jumped up from Emmett (administering one last kick to the chest) and fell to my knees at Bella's side. I wrapped my arms around her. I hoped she didn't hate me! She couldn't hate me I loved her but if she hated me she could do so I would leave God this wasn't helping!

"Bella, honey, what's the matter?" I enquired. "I love you baby, I love you so much, I swear I do, I'll leave if you want me to—"

I heard strange choking noises coming from my love. "Bella? Are you crying?"

"No—I'm—laughing!" she giggled, hugging me back. Thank God. She still loved me. "Edward—do—you—know—how—hilarious—it—was—when—you—kicked—Emmett's—nuts?"

Had I?

I looked over at Emmett. He was whimpering, clutching his privates, his face screwed up. _Goddamn you Edward, this _hurts! Rosalie glared at me, crouched protectively over her husband. _I hate you! You killed him!_

"Sorry, Em," I apologized guiltily. "Didn't mean to…"

"Okay, mister," shouted Rosalie, springing up from his crumpled body and poking my chest, her eyes flashing. "Now you _definitely _read the next chapter! Hop to!" _Read it now or else!_

Bella snarled, her butterscotch eyes blazing. "Don't talk to him like that!"

"Bells, chill out," said Jacob quietly, laying a hand on her. _Edward, your wife is crazy. _She shook him off. "Hey, Emoticon, some help here, if your highness pleases!"

Ignoring the jibe, Jasper sent out calming waves, "Om"-ing mockingly, pretending to meditate over Emmett's high-pitched whispers of "Dad? Some Tylenol, please?"

"Son, you're a vampire. You don't need painkillers," protested Carlisle reasonably.

"He would if I went at him…" Jane muttered ominously. _Yes, I'd love to do the pain ray on that _idiot. _What was his human IQ, three? _

"Jane!" Aro scolded. _I don't even _want _to hear what she's thinking now. I wonder what Carlisle's thinking?_

"Or me," added Sam. _It would be great to own that leech in a fight._

"Or me," supplied Embry. _I could _totally _take him down. _I snorted.

"SHUT UP YOU IDIOTS!" was Rosalie's addition to the conversation. _Dang them all! My baby's hurt! Oh, he's so sexy like this! Jesus…I bet I'm totally sexy now too…_"Emmie, it's OK, we'll get you some medicine," was her next, murmured, comment.

"I love you babe, see you in bed tonight," whispered Emmett, his eyes rolling up into his head. _This'll make tonight interesting…_

"SHUT UP YOU FREAK! I DON'T CARE ABOUT WHAT YOU DO IN BED!" screamed Alice in a very OOC way.

"Wow…" Jasper murmured. _Wow…my wife is weird._

"Wow…" Bella whispered. Her thoughts were as silent as ever.

"Wow…" Esme said quietly. _Wow…you'd think she was raised by a prostitute. What did I do wrong?_

"Wow…" Aro muttered. _Wow…disgusting mental image._

"Wow…" groaned Jacob. _Wow…dang that leech is strange. _

"Wow…" mused Quil. _Wow…told you bloodsuckers are pervs. _

"Wow…" Rosalie brooded. _Wow…trust Alice to get to the point. _

Everyone _wow_-ed away for a couple minutes. Alice had made history with her outburst.

Bella practically threw the dreaded book into my arms. "Read it. I don't want to think about what Alice said. It's scarred me for life."

"Anything for you, dear," I whispered seductively. I took a deep breath, though I didn't need it. "_Chapter Three: FReaky Dogs."_

_Dang you, Smexy Hawt Eddie Luvr, _thought Jacob viciously.

Ignoring him, I continued, "_So the freaky brown wolf came and hit on Brianna. she was like 'umm wtf. PERV!!1 Eddie is the one for me,.' He changed into an ugly guy with long black hair and tried to kiss her…"_

"I can see where this is heading," remarked Bella. "The 'FReaky Dog' is Jacob."

"I'm glad you think so much of me," protested Jake, hurt. _I only kissed her 'cause I thought she wanted it!_

"Yeah, right," I replied to Jake's thoughts. "You wish."

_Stupid bloodsucker. Why can't people lie to themselves once in a while?_

"Because it's wrong," I responded virtuously.

_Goody-goody leech._

_Tell him to shut up! _yelled Emmett mentally. _I want to hear the story._

Trying to erase the expression of shock off my face, I continued the story at Emmett's request. _"'Don't kiss me!!' she yelled. 'what's ur name?'_

_"'jecub block,' he said trying to seduce her. 'jeucb to you, hawtie.' _

"JECUB?! JEUCB?!" yelled the mutt loudly. "WHAAAAT?!"

"Get used to it," said Jane unfeelingly. "You're a rival for Brianna's affections. The only one she can be with is Edward, so you have to be…ah…criticized."

"But—my name is _Jacob_!"

"Not anymore, it isn't…"

I talked over their continued, whispered conversation. "_'Ewwww Eddie-Munchkins"_—I stopped for a second to compose myself—_"is ttly the one for me! go away freak!'_

_"'He's hawt,'said blela eunexpectedly. 'go out with me juceb!'_

_"'I would never go out with u frek1' said hjuecb."_

"HJUECB!?" _Hjuecb?! You have _got _to be kidding me. _Jacob growled. "My name starts with a J!"

"Suck it up, dog," was Jane's detached comment.

"You're so mean," Jacob replied plaintively.

"I know," she shot back proudly.

"Okay. Back to the world of Mary Sues…" I began ominously. "'_fine!' said bellea. _

_"'You are suuuuuuch a prudish beothc,' said Brianna-baby righteously. 'I cant honestly believe Eddie-Munchkins married u!'_

_"'go to heck!' said vella._

_"'Bella means ugly in Italian,' said Brianna hawtly._

_"Just then, the door banged open and a pretty brunette vampire with green and gold eyes came in._

_"OOOOOOOOOOO MAJOR CLIFFIE ZOMGZOMGZOMG!!1! Frick all u flamerz, go to heck. Ur all pozerz. Oh and no Brianna is not goffick. Wish she was :D:D:D:D Review nicely or ur all pozerz!!"_

"That was interesting," remarked Jane. "Can I read the next chapter?"

"Be my guest," said everyone else at the same time.

**A/N: SoOoOo! The sadist reads the next chapter! Read and REVIEW, beat 13 reviews to get a new chapter :) You know you want to! Press the periwinkle button!! (Sorry this chappie was kinda short).**

**Slytherite: Yay! Thanks, Madeleine. Oooh…great idea. I'll think about that ;)**

**1m4n: Thanks! Yeah, Jane's reading next chapter…-ominous voice-**

**Wake-up Soon: Thank you! **

**Beckah-lynn: Wow. Long review! –feels loved- Yeah, I thought that was kind of ironic. She was really mean to Alice. Yes, Edward does tend to overreact sometimes –cough- New Moon…**

**srgirl6889: Thanks!**

**Lightning Storms: I'm glad I made you laugh :) **

**in-between-jake-and-jazz-help: Thank you!**

**Sienna**


	5. Jane Volturi: I Need Anger Management

**The Horror! Oh, the Horror!**

**By Sienna Rhiannon Chase**

**A/N: OMG!! 16 reviews since last update! You guys rock. Good job! Now you have to make or beat (hopefully) seventeen…-ominous voice- But I know you'll be able to ;)**

**I am SO SORRY I haven't updated for ages, but my computer was held hostage, and then the Dreaded Thing of Doom started…I mean, school. My backpack's stuffed and I have to carry my Geometry, Science, Humanities, and Spanish textbooks every day –death- That doesn't have anything to do with this, but oh well. Hope this chappie makes up for the wait…it's twice the usual length :)**

**So! This is the Jane chappie…up next is Jacob…reading about "Hjuecb"…fun eh? All I can say is that this chapter, there's lots of explosions, and everyone's using their gifts (especially Jane :P) So read on, mah friends! Hope you like it! **

**Disclaimer: Dang, people, this is FANfiction. Also, we don't make any money writing on here, so if SM could make millions writing something in a book, why would she post it on here and get nothing (except about a trillion reviews)? :-/ Exactly. NOW read on. **

**Chapter Five**

**Jane Volturi: OBSESSIVE KILLING RAMPAGE!! **

**Okay, not really. It's:**

**Chapter Five**

**Jane Volturi: I Need Anger Management**

_Previously on _The Horror! Oh, the Horror!_:_

"_That was interesting," remarked Jane. "Can I read the next chapter?"_

"_Be my guest," said everyone else in one voice._

Yes! I got to read the book. Finally! I couldn't wait…_Hand it over, redhead, or I'll turn your guts to garters._

"It's bronze," asserted the human weakling of a whiny brunette. Oops, I mean _vampire _weakling of a whiny brunette.

The redhead snarled, his fingers turning to claws. "Don't you dare—I will _kill _you—" he choked. "How dare you—call my wife—"

"Edward, it's okay," comforted Isabella.

"Do you know what she called you?" he roared.

"I don't really care," she told him, patting his back. Ugh. _Two _vampire crybabies.

Pretty Boy sprang up. "You—you—"

"You what?" I asked sweetly. Then I switched into name-calling mode. "You idiot! You sissy boy! You—"

"Nut-kicker?" suggested Buff Retard. I mean, Emmett Cullen. Wait. There's no difference.

"No."

"But he _is_!"

"Yeah, well, I don't really care about that," I told him crushingly.

"You shouldn't," muttered Blondie, A.K.A. Rosalie. "_I _should, though."

"Shut up." Pixie Shopaholic—oops, _Alice_—jabbed a skinny elbow into Blondie's ribs. "Like I said, no one wants to know about your and Emmett's sex life."

"GODDANGIT CAN WE GET STARTED WITH THE FREAKING STORY ALREADY?" I screamed, prompting Edward to toss the book at me and run to Bella.

"Holy crap, she needs anger management classes," remarked Chief Stinky—Sam—in an aside to Nudist Smelly…I mean Jacob Black. **(A/N: Don't kill me, Jacob-lovers! It's not my opinion, it's JANE'S! JANE THE SADISTIC VOLTURI TORTURER! JANE THE CYNIC! JANE! JANE! And to all you Edward (or Bella, or Alice, etc)-lovers! Again, JANE'S OPINION! JANE! Understand?) **

Pretty Boy Edward Cullen laughed at that.

"What?" asked Black.

"Nothing," snickered the wacko vegetarian. Jesus, how did they _live _like that? Murdering is such a great high!

"I prefer not to kill innocent people," replied Pretty Boy lightly, although his hands were clenched.

"But they taste good!" I pleaded. Wait. I _pleaded_? Jane of the Volturi, _pleading? _Dang. Dang! And to top it off, he knows what I'm thinking. Crap. _Repeat this and you die without Alec anesthesia, _I threatened him mentally. _You. Will. Die. _

Edward raised his altogether too-low-set brows and made no comment, except for frowning slightly, making the brows in question look like a unibrow. Or maybe that was the wrinkles.

"She's so mean," he sniffed plaintively, clinging to Isabella. I went off into peals of (if I may say so myself) bubbling, beautiful laughter. Edward sputtered and snorted, then hastily resumed his sad expression, making Bella coo and tell him with disgusting amounts of fluffiness, "It's okay, Edward, I love you, I love you so much, baby."

I could see what he was doing, but I decided—not _thinking it out, _just instinctively—to let it happen, so when Edward sprang at me, lips pulled back, a snarl rumbling in his throat, I blocked him and caught him by the waist.

Yeah, yeah, I know. I may _look _like a short, pre-pubescent thirteen-year-old, but I'm a vampire, and I'm stronger than most. So suck it up and get back to the freaking story already!

Edward growled. "Let go of me, _Jane._" His tone reminded me that, like most people, he'd rather call me _beotch _than anything else.

"Kiss me first," I joked wickedly. Bella snarled. "Or admit that I beat you."

"Never!" he asserted, his eyes wide. "I'll never kiss _you!_"

Ouch, that hurt. Although I had a boyfriend who was a new recruit to the Guard, that didn't mean I wanted to get told I was un-smoochable. Oh well. Who would want to kiss Mr. Overprotective anyway?

Oh, yeah. Loonies like Miss Selfless Whiner.

Edward growled again. Shit, was the guy going to spend his whole life growling?  
"There's another option," I reminded him. "Admit I beat you."

"But you're a short, pre-pubescent thirteen-year old!" Dang, he quoted my own thoughts. Not fun.

"Oh no you di-nt!" Oh no he di-nt just diss the Chief Volturi Torturer. "Oh _no _you di-nt!"

"Oh no he di-nt!" echoed Mr. Muscle Man. He was promptly shot with glares from his family and the Poop Pile Stinkies—I mean the wolves. It was a wonder he didn't melt. He certainly did whimper.

"Get me a match, sissy boy," I commanded him. He ran to do it, appearing at my side in a second with a box of matches. Edward's eyes widened in fear. I marched outside, near where his Volvo was parked. His family, the wolves, and Aro followed, some fearful, some unfeeling.

I held up the matchbox with my free hand. "If you come near, I _will _burn you to a pile of ash, so please, for your own safety, refrain from coming to close to this exhibit."

Bella whimpered through her bared teeth. Esme covered her eyes. They all knew that I could incapacitate them all in one fell swoop, except for Muscle Boy and Bella, who were protected. Bella didn't dare pull up her shield and protect them all—she knew I'd be on her like a mad woman with my teeth and a lit match. She wouldn't have a prayer.

Still holding the redhead, I zipped over to the garage, where several tanks of gas were stored. I picked up two. "I'd advise you all don't come too near. Fumes could hurt you stinkies," I cautioned kindly. I made back over to the Volvo, set the petrol on the ground, and peeled the front passenger window open with my fingers like it was plastic. Edward whimpered.

"Suck it up, pretty boy, 'cause I'll be doing a lot worse to your precious Volvo today," I promised him. I broke the lock with a tap and opened the door. Still holding Mr. Overreaction-Prone, I poured the first tank of gas over the inside of the car, taking care to put the most on the CDs jammed in one of the reptacles up front. I got out and poured the other tank on the outside of the car.

I zoomed down to the river and dunked myself and Edward in a couple times. We didn't want to go up in smoke due to the backdraft, now did we? I ran back and struck a match, holding it high for special effect. Then I threw it onto the hood of the car.

BOOM! The silver Volvo S60R Limited Edition exploded (and when I say exploded, I mean firestorm, clouds of fire, TV kinda stuff, you know, huge, exaggerated), throwing burning shrapnel everywhere. We all dodged the pieces and zipped back—_very _far back. The black smoke roiled up in a tall column. _Shoot. _The authorities would see it, and so would every other person in Forks.

"How many people are on the police force here?" I asked Edward kindly. He didn't hear me. He was wailing loudly and pounding my back with his fists. "I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU! YOU KILLED MY PRECIOUS BABY! DIE ABOMINATION DIE!"

"Jeeeeesh. It's just a car," Hyper Psychic, A.K.A Alice, grumbled. "Why is he having such a panic attack?

"Shut up! You want your Porsche to go up in flames?" warned Blondie Airhead.

"Oops!" Alice squeaked. "Crap. Okay. Forget I said that. I never said that."

I turned on her, my pain gift at full force. She screamed and screamed, torture evident on her face. PAIN! YES! PAIN WAS MY DRUG!! Jasper snarled. "Shoulda seen that coming, Miss Psychic."

"AN ANSWER TO MY QUESTION, PERHAPS?" I screeched in the same breath, just as Bella shielded the psychic. Dang, I _really _needed anger management.

Edward choked in the middle of his screaming, then resumed with a fevered intensity. A wave of calm washed over Redhead and I. I tried to fight, but it was of no use.

"There are three policemen." The answer came from Isabella.

"Three?" I breathed with relief. "They'll never be missed."

Bella gasped. Yay! Pain! "The chief is my _father!_"

Oh. Shit. He's a human, anyway…Pssh. Humans. They're like ants—easy to crush and no more missed. But I didn't want to have the Cullens killing me and Aro before we left. That would just suck.

No one wants to die. Except my victims, of course…He heh.

"Okay. Um…let's…uh…read the story!" I suggested.

"That's even worse than killing the policemen," muttered Esme, rolling her funky golden eyes. Red is _so _much more becoming.

Oh no! I was thinking like Brianna!

CRAP.

I dragged everyone inside, seating them on the couches while the Volvo blazed behind the shining glass windows. I sat in the middle of the floor and opened the Book of Horror.

"_Chapter 5; Long lost friendz_

_"The brunette came into the house. 'ZOMG! UR SO HOT!' she sed cutely 2 jasper. 'I totally heart you!'"_

"Oh. Of course. She _hearts _him. How cute," remarked Esme sarcastically. I know what you're doing right now. You're gasping in surprise that I, Jane Volturi, didn't call an enemy a bad name (you're also gasping in surprise that Esme said something sarcastic). Thing is, it's hard to think of something bad for a caring, motherly vampire.

Dang. She beat me! DANG!

To take my mind off the fact that a vegetarian vampire had stumped me at my little name-calling game, I continued reading. "_'Ur cute,' sed Jazzy-poo totally falling in luv with her. how addorable1 then teh dwarf alison got ttly mad nd jelous cuz jazzypoo used to have a thing for her, then he realized she was ttly ugly. _

"_so then the dwarf attacked the vampie and the vampie pwned her and killed her in a sec. then she threw her so hard she landed at A&F and burnt the whole place down becuz only pozerz went there. omFg if you don't know that frick off u prepz. Anywayz, the brunette said, "Mi name is Kelliara Midnight Asthma Rose Smythe, but you can call me Kelly!' _

"_Jazzy-poo marveled at how beyutiful she was. She was so pretty that he decided to do her right then an there. So he did. Eddie-honey did Brianna too. then Corky came in and shoted, 'Eddie-baby why are you doing her? you swore last night that you were MINE!!!'"_

Crickets.

Carlisle snapped. "MY NAME IS CARLISLE NOT CORKY! I WOULD NEVER, EVER DO THAT WITH EDWARD! AGGGH!!" Then the doctor fell to his knees. "I HATE YOU SMEXY HAWT EDDIE LUVR! GO TO HECK!"

"I don't think I've ever heard Carlisle yell like that. Or swear," added Emmett. "Jesus, look at him!"

The doctor was running vampire speed around the house, whimpering loudly as he did so.

"Uh-hum…let's continue with the story," suggested Jacob Very-Very-Very-Stinky Black awkwardly.

"Okay." I was still stunned. I recovered, and went on. _"Carky ripped off his shirt and reveeled a tattoo rite over his heart that said…EDDIE-BABY! Brianna screamed and jumped of eddward. Then she ran outside to teh forest and cried about how she had lost her virility to eddie. _**(A/N: Idea for crying about lost "virility" goes to XXXbloodyrists666XXX, the legendary Suethor.) **_'how could i, Brianna Rachel Madison Hypertension Asteriala, have lost my viliry to a freeky guy like that? not that I have anything wrong with the fact he's bi! bi guys are sooooooooooooo cute!! _(**A/N: This is a commonly-held belief in Sue stories. Not having met any bi guys myself, I can't say, but I thought I'd add it in for authenticity…I don't know that much about it…okay…now I'm really rambling :P) **_yeah bi guys are adorable. ooh now I want to totally do Carly and eddie-baby1! at the same time! yeah!1! Kelly can join in if she wants…_**(A/N: Another thing seen commonly in Sue-stories: threesomes and even four-somes. Yup, I've seen. Scarred for life.) **_yes! I'll totally do it. only if eddie-kins agrees to love me only 1st. yah! I'll go back, may b he'll take me BACk.'_

_Briaana ran back vampie speed and found Eddie-munchkins looking for her. He ws singing Blood by MCR (An: MCR is da greatest band eva1) and he was sooooooooo sexy. 'OMFG eddie-kins you are sooooooooooooooo adorable!!1 come on1'_

"_she led eddie-baby and jazzy-poo and corky-sexhay"_—Carlisle put his head in his hands—_"and Kelly upstairs. then they DID IT!! first she…"_ My eyes were the size of dinner plates. "WHAT THE FRICKING HECK IS WRONG WITH THIS STORY?!" I screamed.

"Dunno," muttered Jacob. Or should I say Hjeucb? He came over and gingerly took the book from me. "It's okay, Jane. The chapter ends here. You don't have to read any more."

"That's great. So why don't you read it, puppy?" I asked.

"Crap! No! Don't make me!" Stinky yelled, falling to his knees.

"You asked for it, retard."

**A/N: Wow! That was fun! I think I died a little when I made Edward's Volvo explode. Anyway, thanks to all my awesome reviewers, and here's the replies:**

**emmy-and-jazz-rule: Yay! Thanks!**

**Caitlin: Thanks. I know the characters may seem a little OOC, but if you were Edward and your brother was reading a disgusting sex scene between yourself and a Mary Sue, how would you react?**

**Jordan: I'm sorry you feel that way. I'm not making fun of anyone's particular story, just the fact that Sues exist :) Don't worry, you didn't hurt my feelings. **

**Darri: Hooray! I'm glad you think it's funny.**

**srgirl6889: Yeah, I love Edward's gift. Jane's very sadistic this chappie :D**

**andaere: Yup, Edward's very overreaction-prone. Thanks!**

**CoffeeObsessed: The Twilight fandom is slipping into a Pit of Death and Despair…well, anyway, there certainly are a lot of Suefics. I will!**

**Beckah-lynn: Thanks! I love it when people think I'm funny :)**

**emmy-and-jazz-rule: Changed your pen name, eh? I've tried not to bash Jake, but Jane doesn't really like him…**

**Wake-up Soon: Thanks! I'm going for the lolzes…**

**coolblue110: Yay! Hyperness!**

**LightningStorms: Thanks!**

**Blade: Right on it.**

**1m4n: I like this chappie better…it's certainly much longer. I'm glad I did :)**

**coolblue110: Here you go!**

**Love you all,**

**Sienna**


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